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Why Do You Hate Me With Your Love?

by Nilo Crow

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1.
A road unknown, a place called home, we`re strangers, imaginary strangers, A teardrop is what changes, shuts doors forever close. Three steps out of a window, five words from the Unknown Make you fly just for a breath to a place you once called home. What’s strange is that we stay here, What’s strange can open doors. A ticking clock’s a time bomb, don’t force me to scribe more. Imaginary strangers, invisible lies on temporary stages Constrain. We are strangers, we stray around edges, are chained inside cages. What could have been still changes worlds – but that’s just words, Image, imagine thoughts contagious, quick spoken but withdrawn, I doubt your whispers faithful friend, I cheered your words, believed in them. But words are wind and so are friends An so we still stay strangers. And so we still stay Stay strangers. Strangers, imaginary strangers, invisible lies on temporary stages Constrain. We are strangers, we stray around edges, are chained inside cages. Imaginary strangers, imaginary friends, Imagine all those strange things, imagine, love can still betray. Imagine thieves steal dreams – you’ll never dream again.
Believed in them, believe again, believe in Strangers, imaginary strangers, invisible lies on temporary stages Constrain. We are strangers, we stray around edges, are chained inside cages. Strangers, still we are strange. Chasing our signs, escaping our failures. Still we are strangers, still we are strange, Imagine how strange it’s to stay ordinary strangers To stay imaginary strangers.
2.
Flip A Coin 02:59
It seems to me like yesterday, like yesterday so far away. No words just calls to empty space, to yesterday where wishes fade. To crowded walls, to dusty floors, to blank, nude ceilings. I lack a lot but what I’m not lacking are feelings. Devote a lot of hopes on you, my hope so vain I noted late, Too late to stay in longing dreams for weeks, for years when I was 23. It seems to me like yesterday, like yesterday the best of days, Like lonely walks on quiet nights, like closing doors on passing trains. I dove too deep in shallow sea, chased flowers overgrown, How many times can your heart be broken? When will I be finally free? I just couldn’t get it right, But to you everything seems so clear. No matter how many times I flip your coin It won’t pick the side I’ll choose. I miss the places we went to, I miss the state I fell into, Mistook that train away from you and now I miss just choices. You left me none to choose, at least you left me word. Now that’s the way it is. And that was all she wrote. So to you everything seems so clear. Despite your glances that still pierce me and the times I led you home. Despite the kisses that we shared and the tears I granted you. Despite the times that you came back – No, I am not in love with you. And yes, I still carry your coin, I am still in love with you. But no matter what I’ll do It will never pick the side I chose.
3.
How comes that every time I’m close I’m bound to lose? A shadow drops, secure belief turns to mirage, Manifest dreams just to succeed crumble, collapse and rise To dust. How comes that every time I’m close to you one moment stops a heartbeat. And then it tumbles and descends, can’t climb again but here I’m, I’m bound to climb again – I’m damned. And you, evasive little threat, fugitive thief, escape again, escape forever more, Once more, just one more step To nowhere. And suddenly I’m nowhere. Talk to silent walls. Catch glances in the mirror. A world collapses while you fly, fly off again But I remember every spell I hoped in any spring. I aimed at you, I stumbled through, aimed at my Missing Target, Each step you take seems closer but takes you far away. A star is glowing, bursting thousand lives, remaining far away. How comes that you hold on to this? Your lonely walks, your wanderings. How comes that time, that consciousness has got one straight direction? Too stray to stay on ancient floors on quiet nights like these. It ain’t no long until your voice grows on again, Until the beat goes on again, goes on again for sure. I aimed at you, I stumbled through, aimed at my Missing Target, Each step you take seems closer but takes you far away. But suddenly time runs, time binds, time makes you feel you’re lost. Cause nothing happens besides hope, a teardrop ready to explode. To tears, to stars, to ashes. To tears, to stars, to ashes. There’s nothing certain but this, each step you take on solid ground Will take you to a place where there’s nothing you can hold on. No grip that lifts you up, nothing is but certain: with one step you will fall But will it be your last? I aimed at you, I stumbled through, aimed at my Missing Target, Each step you take seems closer but takes you far away. But suddenly time runs, time binds, time makes you feel you’re lost. Cause nothing happens besides hope, a teardrop ready to explode, A sinking ship, a dive into the cold, dark night. To burning air, to fading light, To drowning breath in endless dreams. To tears, to stars, to ashes. To tears, to stars, to ashes. To tears, to stars, to ashes.
4.
Two 03:12
Too fragile to be broken, too empty to be lost, Too timid to feel anger, to breathless to be broke. Too beaten to feel pain again, too lonesome to fill pages, Unable to be seen, to dress according to your ageing fables. Too sensitive to stand your strength, too late for joy, too God-forsaken, Too torn for recreation. But that’s just words and you don’t care for music, do you? Do you care? We are two, we dine in different places, are passengers on empty stations, Share a lifetime but stay separated. Too lonely to be looked upon, too tender to behold. Too brave to carry on, too riddle to be solved. Ashamed to be a man, too trembling for your gazes, Too shadow to be handsome, too filthy to feel grace. But that’s just words and you don’t care for music, do you? Do you care? We are two, we dine in different places, we’re passengers on empty stations, Spend a lifetime when the night comes, Save our hearts, spare our words Till our days have gone. Until things separate us. Too hungry to feel safe. Still starving to be free. Too far for more than brief exchanges, too close to be replaced by strangers, Unable to the bone. Too numb to hurt, to full of fear to yearn, too hurt to trust your heartbeat. Not great enough to fall and too afraid to live again, So Why Do You Hate Me With Your Love? But that’s just words. But that’s just Words. We are two, we dwell in different spaces, we’re passengers on empty stations, Spend a lifetime when the night’s come, Save our hearts, spare our words Till our days have gone. Till the day things separate us. A side note left on rotten tables: Why Do You Hate Me With Your Love?
5.
Tell me, Lord, oh, tell me, Lord, where am I? – Bleeding, starving, settling. I’m not Yours but You’re everywhere, Selling Your cheap dreams which sounded once fair to me. You liar, pretender, denier. But the fool am I Can’t escape from You, My Lord, the One I fear the most. You drank my tears, swallowed my fear Then planted the seed of doubt in me. The gardens of my youth – a deserted, lonesome field. Denied my truth, stole my dreams, my innermost secret fantasies. One place You couldn’t take away from me – though worthless as it is. Can’t escape from You, My Lord, the One I fear the most. Did you believe in Your own lies, the tales You taught me day by day? The hopes You choked, night by night But I believed in You. Must I depart from the promised land I don’t dare to speak of now? It’s You who spoilt me word by word, Who robbed my hopes, who split my soul. Oh, I can’t escape from You, My Lord, the One I fear the most. You, You slew me, crucified me, terrified me, Conqueror Behold. I can’t shove You out, my demon, I can’t show a better way. And though You pierced my with Your needles I stood it all each bloody day. What if I ask the same old questions that You asked me day by day? Carry on with my own journey, continue on my odyssey. And if I ever turn around, withdraw from all of Thy decay Grab a hold again but slip off, take a chance again but fail, State a last long crying whisper But the truth remains I can’t. How can I fill what still empties itself and what will I feel when it’s finally done? Say, can you save me from exasperation, protect me from thy Kingdom of Fear? How can I bear this burden upon me, that lack in my chest, that size of my theft? Say, can you save me from that disgrace That conquers my dreams, betrays all my prayers, Dictates all my needs – and smashes them later. That digs my own grave, say, can you save me from myself. I can escape from you, my lord, the one I feared the most.
6.
I found it in the gutter, the place so most unlike. The voices that still haunt me, the riddles I’m still facing, The choices I regret still, relief was what I sought. I found it in a web of dust, of sparks, of ghosts. Abandoned by all spiders, forgotten by my hope, I found it in the gutter, the problem still unsolved. The knot was still untouched, was tied around my soul. I found it in the light of day and lighter my heart feels as well Beneath each silent step, between each breath I take. For I am more than the picture you have painted. That shape miscreated, the image you craved. The songs that I write, their destination have forsaken. It might be destiny – or cold determination. I heal from what’s ever cursed, what’s ever been ashamed. Quit bleeding but still feels too late like crumbling flowers dried and dead And never ever shall they bloom again. So still I walk through wasted lands, still dwell on shrinking shores. But who could restore that gift taken away from me That distant train rolling away, yet passing the horizon. How can I trust your lying eyes now in the moment of surrender? How comes your love has passed me by? Say, is there a cure for me and my suffering desire? How comes your love has passed me by? How comes your love has passed me by? How comes that you wonder why? But that’s bloody alright. Cause I knew all the time they were not wrong nor in vain, My still glowing, silent cries ain’t just dead – like a fading fire First needs to die from the ashes To Become Alive. But the price, the price was high. Take on your old life and bathe it in flames. The one and only one you had. The one they ashamed. Take it and take it and bathe it in flames and bathe it in wrath. Till it suffocates their accusations, swallows your regrets. For I am more than the picture you have painted That shape miscreated, that mirage that you craved. The songs that I write, their destination have forsaken. It might be destiny or cold determination. Come slay me, I’m enslaved, go ahead, my creator. I’ll paint it with my blood, that lying shape you gave me. And you wonder why but that’s bloody alright. Cause I knew all the time they were not wrong nor in vain, My still glowing, silent cries ain’t just dead, like a fading fire First needs to die from the ashes To Become Alive. How can I trust you lying eyes now in the moment of surrender? How comes your love has passed me by? Say, is there a cure for me and my suffering desire? Come answer me. How comes your love has passed me by? How can I look into the mirror and see what lies behind them? Those cold deep staring eyes deny that truth I still require. And you wonder why but that’s bloody alright Cause I knew all the time they were not in vain. My still glowing, silent cries ain’t just dead like a fading fire first needs to Die from the ashes to become alive. First needs to die from the ashes to become alive. First needs to die from the ashes to become alive. First needs to die from the ashes To Become Alive.
7.
The cold wind blows, The cold wind blows, let go, A whisper yells let go. And the cold, still the cold, feel the cold wind blow, Let go, don’t turn around, let go. I can’t collapse, forwards I can’t. I turn to stone, let go. And The Cold Wind Blows. Afar a bell rings doom from long forgotten, I’m prisoned tells her secret spell. And I recall the past, what’s long been gone, What slipped my hands Into the abyss Still haunts me in my dreams. Move – it drives my aching bones Forwards. Step by step. And someday you’ll fly cause some day you are grown That’s what they teach you till their corpses grow cold. And you tried but it’s done yet still nothing’s for sure And still nothing but The Cold Wind Blows. And you grow and you grow and your heart’s like a stone And it’s gone, yes, it’s gone and they say you are done. You are down on the floor, yet the ink ain’t dry, No, it ain’t, but the whole world still shouts. And you wake and then suddenly you are old, Someday will be dead, still their spells resonate in your bones, Just remember their names but their gone and you’re nothing But a shade. A silhouette that remembers each day but what is it that you miss the most? You’re a ghost, you’re a shade. Still The Cold Wind Blows. And you live in the past. How long? Too long. Belong to hell. But who still stays so, so close to me? My shame, your wrath echoes like thunder. The cold wind blows. Still The Cold Wind Blows.
8.
Empty 04:30
We left with arms wide open, not knowing what it meant The end of the beginning, beginning of the end. I’m sick of all the sad old songs, lack any inspiration, Said my farewell to summer, fear winter will be cold. That night that I strolled down my old and lonesome road I watched her vanish in the dusk, felt sad for summer to depart, Feared autumn might get lonely, knew winter would be cold. And now you’re gone like summer’s gone and winter it got cold indeed. As cold-clear as my mind. As ice-cold as my heart. I tend to sing the things I can’t say, don’t dare to share the fear that I feel When people come too close or close their arms around me. Be that puppet they need, they drain and abuse Till they toss you aside like a rubber just used. Feed them with a warm but empty word, If you ask for repay you’ll just fetch an excuse. Be that hero you always wanted to be, That gentle and nice, that decent and good. That sensitive soul, that outstanding fool, that pleases their pleasures, not yours. Get fed like a junkie but starve like a beggar, just listen, notice and understand, Don’t utter a word, don’t leave a comment – that’s too judgemental. Work – till you wear your bones off. A blink, a glimpse, a heartbeat, a curse cast your shadows down on the walls. Raise all your fears and misconcerns that have betrayed you for so long. Life only a hollow notion, some blurry vision far beyond. Throw up your courage, swallow your tongue, Poison your mind, lock down your heart. Till you drop down all alone to the bottom of an Empty hole inside my chest, shattered like a broken bottle. Displaced, hopeless and lost. You’re picture frame an empty slot. Wasted time on taken hearts, trying to erase the past, Empty words betray each promise, say Why Do You Hate Me With Your Love? Don’t show the fear I feel when people get to lose, Embrace the lines I emphasise when the emptiness surrounds me. A blink, a glimpse, a heartbeat, a curse cast your shadows down on the walls. Raise all your fears and misconcerns that have betrayed you for so long. Life only a hollow notion, some blurry vision far beyond. Throw up your courage, swallow your tongue, Poison your mind, lock down your heart. Till you drop down all alone to the bottom of an empty ocean. Be that cushion they sink in, that bracing they bleed in. That anchor they embrace, that damn number in their calculation. A blink, a glimpse, a heartbeat, a curse cast your shadows down on the walls. Raise all your fears and misconcerns that have betrayed you for so long. Life only a hollow notion, some blurry vision far beyond. Throw up your courage, swallow your tongue, Poison your mind, lock down your heart. Till you drop down all alone To the bottom of an empty ocean. To the bottom of an empty ocean. Till you drop down all alone to the bottom of an empty ocean.
9.
Dark Soul 05:12
I shed a thousand tears tonight, Killed every butterfly inside my chest. Look, here’s another gift for you on Christmas Day To slaughter sleeping lovers in their dreams. It’s harsh to make me feel this way, hard to believe there was a way, It’s hard for me, it’s hard for you It’s only safe without a heart. So there yo have it your control, now go to hell with it for good While I whisper my final fading words: Now is it time for me to leave? Like poison pouring down my throat. Fine. I’ll go then. Cause you are in the dark and I can’t make it through. Thank you for breaking down my heart, break down my love once more. And now you’re gone I’m still afraid Of losing you. To lose it all. But this ain’t in my hands no more, it’s out of my control Cause now you are song to me, now you are song. That’s all what’s left for me. But you are in the dark and I can’t make it through. Cause you don’t have a heart. Through mine you pushed your dagger. So where does this lead and where does it end? I don’t know, doesn’t matter now. Tell me what’s the use? Night falls an we mend together, day breaks and we part. Feels like waking from a dream, A nightmare finally. Sometimes I miss you so much I want to scratch off my chest and rip out my heart. For I just want the pain to die no bottle of wine can ease. Sometimes I want to see life through your dark eyes to understand. Do you know how it feels to stand alone in the cold, cold rain? As drained, as strange, as strained I’ve ever felt. And if ever held you again I’d still fear to lose you in the end. But you’re in the dark and I can’t make it through. Cause you don’t have a heart, through mine you pushed your dagger. Fly high and reach together for the stars or drown in cold, cold waters. To crash land from the start. Or die within the arms of your Dark Soul. Cause your dark eyes they never lie, that spark I saw in them at nights, It blinded me like paradise, unlike your mesmerizing smile, Your tempting lips I’d sacrifice the world to kiss. Your dark eyes they never lie. They gave me answer to that question I didn’t dare to ask back then. Though I had sworn to never write a song like this But you cannot break what don’t exist. Maybe I got the answer to it all. What does it matter in the end? But you’re in the dark and I can’t make it through to you. Cause you don’t have no heart, through mine you pushed your dagger. Fly high and reach together for the stars or drown in cold, cold waters. To crash land from the start. Or die within the arms of your Dark Soul.
10.
Never Belong 04:45
Still follow up their ghosts each night, my memories ain’t swallowed yet By raindrops scattered cross these shallow streets that we walked by. And though you feel so lost inside The Devil must not know That in the centre there’s your heart But in your heart there’s a hole. And I fell down hard. All the magic was gone, all delusion had faded. Evaporated. The cord you struck you bent like truth, The string you burst, the dream you lost. Ruined outstretched and overachieved – disastrous. Just see this desert like city with its streets I can’t leave Where just memories grow but people disappear. Where I wander at nights, wonder who should I be. Where I breathe but can’t speak out what I feel, what I fear. Where I walk but can’t be. For I tried too hard to regather the scattered parcels Of where life once dwelled, that I once called home. To every brother long-forsaken, any friend I’ve ever lost. Every mother to replace, every love forever gone. To every traitor I forgive now, ever failure unforgotten. Every sinner I adore, to everyone never belonging. Don’t ask – I might go crazy if I tried. Trapped between these cunning forces, no tomorrow, no beyond. Stuck within days I lost counting without hours I recall Now you lie on your back, thinking about the times that have passed, Wondering what has changed – while your hair is falling out Like Autumn leaves, cause youth’s a coward running off. There seems no right to me nor wrong when everything’s falling apart. To every brother long-forsaken, any friend I’ve ever lost. Every mother to replace, every love forever gone. To every word I’ve ever wasted, every lie that left my mouth, Every promise undelivered so that I never might belong. Still follow up their ghosts each night, my memories ain’t swallowed yet By raindrops scattered cross these shallow streets that we walked by. Still sense relief, still taste that first breath of spring I shared with you so long ago, remember it forever. And though you feel so lost inside The Devil must not know That in the centre there’s your heart But in your heart there’s a hole. To every minute that I’m ageing, every tear I’ve never cried, To every love ever unspoken, each mistake I try to hide. To every touch too late forever, every guilt still unconfessed. For each redemption never granted, every secret kept inside. To every loser, every winner, every brick and every wall. To every cold hearted damnation, to all the empty fame and glory. Is your heart still beating or does it lack a tune? Don’t want to feel no more sorrow, not tomorrow, not at all. Screaming into deaf-mute chambers, strolling nights through empty halls, Fall down on your knees and pray Why Do You Hate Me With Your Love? So here it is: It’s do or die now, shootout. Watch the last rays of sunshine kiss the quiet dirt. Let’s face it: We couldn’t call it a divorce – why would we? Running out like pouring sands while time’s just washing us away, Back off from common ground and divide like ocean waves. Until our face resembles strangers we avoid on streets too crowded. And we decide to just pass by. Still follow up their ghosts each night, my memories ain’t swallowed yet By raindrops scattered cross these shallow streets that we walked by. Still sense relief, still taste that first breath of spring I shared with you so long ago, remember it forever. And though you feel so lost inside The Devil must not know That in the centre there’s your heart But in your heart there’s a hole.

about

To My Grandmother.
Love & Only Love.
R.I.P.

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released March 31, 2023

©+℗ Nilo Crow 2023
All rights reserved. Unauthorised copying, hiring, renting, public performance and broadcasting of this record is prohibited.

Music: Jonas Schlemme, Thomas Schneider
Lyrics: Jonas Schlemme
Recording, mixing & mastering: Michael Kara
Cover Artwork: Florian Mayr

Vocals, guitar: Nilo Crow
Guitar: Thomas Schneider
Bass: Kathi Huster
Drums: Matthias Sauthoff

Photos: Dilara Haral

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Nilo Crow Munich, Germany

"Where were you when the Thunder came, the everlasting storm? And when they disappeared again, this nothingness was born.
Your days are dark, your nights are bright – but mine they are both grey."
And so a man walks down the road, with nothing on his mind.
"So who are you?" – and he replies: "I told you, I don't know. I've lost my voice, I've dropped my words, the melody of rain."
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